The Liar
The Liar
Written by dornish queen
Characters: left ambiguous
DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS; IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANYTHING IN THE WARNINGS, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ
Trigger Warnings: suicide ideation, depression, bad coping skills, mental illness perceptions
Notes: No character models were used; no celebrity featured. I was going to write in Pedro as the boyfriend, but with the topic being dark, I didn’t want to associate this with anyone specific. So, characters are ambiguous.
You take more than the recommended dose this time. Just enough to stay in bed, the body only requires so much sleep, but you know you can’t hurt yourself when you are asleep and in bed. Yes, not the best way to cope, but it will do for now. Stop the world and everything around you, without leaving the world.
It was foolish to open up to people. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know your past. They don’t need to know you. They don’t want to know. Their minds are made up.
She’s manipulating people….She doesn’t mean it….She’s not sick….She’s not suicidal….She just wants attention….She won’t really do it.
You wish all of this were true. You want to be that liar. You feel yourself sliding and hope the drugs kick in faster. The voices that are determined to hurt you won’t stop.
Reaching over to the side of the bed, you imagine him here with you now. But his side of the bed is cold. Empty to the touch. You decide to sleep on his side and cradle his pillow against your chest. That’s as close as you’ll get for now. You close your eyes. You’re sinking now.
You had been feeling so much better until recently, and you reassured him that you would be fine and that you are doing better. The last thing you wanted him to do was to stay and look out after you. He has a life too. He has his work. Don’t ruin it for him. You remember kissing him good-bye and him smiling back to you.
“It won’t be long.” He breathed into your ear as he kissed you gently and held you tight. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
You remember giving him your best performance smile you could muster as you waved good-bye. And that last thing you see is that cute, boyish smile with the crinkled eyes. Keep that image and hold on to that. If that’s the last thing you remember of him, you would be okay with that. NO. Don’t think that. Tomorrow is going to be so much better than today. Think about that!
You know that if he was here, he would pull you into his chest. You’d feel his arms around you and he would say the right things, or nothing at all. Because sometime saying nothing, helps the most.
Your cellphone starts blasting you with notifications. He had asked for friends to check up. That’s probably it. You look at your phone.
- Hey Sweetie. Just wanted to see how you are doing?
- I’m fine, honey! Thank you for checking up on me :)
You’ve grown used to lying. It’s better and puts people at ease. Because they really don’t need to know. You don’t need to cause any worry for nothing.
One more ping on my phone.
I love you. –
That’s all he says. That’s all he ever says. And it is enough. It’s enough to make you try harder. It’s enough to make you want to stick around, if only a little bit longer. He is a world away from you, but still manages to pull you back. You’ve lingered enough in your “cloud”. The cloud is not your safe place. He is.
Ping.
Another notification on your phone. It’s him again.
- Hi Babe! Love you back. I’m doing fine.
You were going to text him “see you soon”. But you didn’t.
The intrusive voice is back to pester you.
She’s just trying to manipulate people.
I can’t wait for tomorrow. Everything will be good and you’ll feel so much better. You repeat this to yourself. And one day it will be.
These fucking pills aren’t working fast enough. Fuck it and just take another.